Republican Platform 2020, draft version

Punish the poor.
Reward the rich.
Roll back rights.
Alienate America's allies.
Encourage, embolden, enable, and empower our enemies.
Disenfranchise, discriminate, dismantle democracy.
Subvert science.
Eviscerate the environment.
Fail the future.
Keep cops killing colored kids.
Lie, lie about lying, lie some more.
Defend the indefensible.
Deny the obvious.
Double down on the disproven.

A woman's value is not as a whole person and her worth is less than the sum of her parts. A woman's worth is, to be specific and succinct, the sum of just these parts and their contents: uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes, cervix, vagina. All else is extraneous.

Rich people are better than poor people. That's axiomatic. The ultra-rich are the best people of all. If your boss gets paid fifty times what you get paid, he's fifty times more valuable and deserving than you. At least! Probably more. That's simple math. Incontrovertible. Requiring less in taxes from such a fine individual is the least the government can do for him.

A well-educated populace is the bane of the party. Ours will be the generation to end this threat for all time. This will be the election to seal the deal.

The strongest arguments are weaker than the loud, steady cry of "socialism". Learn the word (but don't bother with its definition). Repeat it often. Even if you can't say it loudly, you can surely say it with great frequency. That's just as good.

Under our glorious leader, everything bad is good again!


  • Willful ignorance – good again!
  • Making fun of the disabled – good again!
  • Racism  – good again!
  • Sexism – good again!
  • Homophobia – good again!
  • Bullying – good again!
  • Sanctimony – good again!
  • Religious bigotry – good again!
  • Discrimination – good again!
  • Pollution – good again!
  • Poisoned waters – good again!
  • Toxic air – good again!
  • Unsafe working conditions – good again!
  • Corruption – good again!
  • Nepotism – good again!
  • Fascism – good again!
  • McCarthyism – good again!
  • Demagoguery – good again!
  • Unmitigated greed – good again!
  • Robber barons – good again!
  • Vigilantism – good again!
  • Jingoism – good again!

  • plutocracy kleptocracy autocracy theocracy hypocrisy

    Party over country. Power through perfidy. Victory via venality.

    War is peace.
    Freedom is slavery.
    Ignorance is strength.
    Cruelty is kindness.
    Lies are truth.